And I'm not a worrier by nature. For the most part, I've handled this wait pretty good - especially considering I'm not gifted in the patience department. But that's probably because I believed that we would go get our little girl in November, despite being told there were no promises by our facilitator in Moscow. (He really did try to warn us about the delays in our region lately.) But still. Martin thought October. I said November. Well, folks, we're in November.
If we got the call today... which the phone hasn't rung yet BTW. strange. I keep checking to make sure it is plugged in and the dial tone is working. I thought I would welcome the silence after all the political calls were over. No emails either. Sorry, I digressed.... anyway, if we got the today, our court date would be most likely be 3 weeks away bringing us to the very end of November and arriving home the first week of December.
Every week that we DON'T get the call puts us further into December before our homecoming. So, I'm getting worried that our little girl won't be home for Christmas. That will be heart breaking for all of us. We love this child and she needs to be home with us. Now! Can you hear my fists pounding my desk?
Why am I so upset about Christmas? I know that while Christmas is a very special holiday for our family, it really doesn't have anything to do with our adoption or even Russia in general. But it is the date that was mentally set in my head that my family would be complete and I'd have all my kids feet under the same table (to borrow a quote from Ondrea). That's why it is so hard for me to deal with. Her stocking will be hanging from the fireplace along with the boys, her gifts wrapped under the tree, and her Christmas dresses will still be in the closet with their tags. She will be dearly missed.
The other thing I am getting worried about is what if we DO get the call and our court date conflicts with the boys' Christmas programs? I feel selfish even thinking about that one. After ranting and raving about our baby possibly not being home by Christmas, now I'm complaining about missing a program or two.
All I can say is that we are ready to pack up and go to Russia tomorrow if need be. But as we get closer to December, there is one weekend I would like to avoid if at all possible: Friday December 12 and Sunday December 14.
Especially the 14th.
That is our church's Christmas musical and the boys all have great parts. Garrett is Joseph and he is singing the most beautiful duet with Mary. Preston is the narrator and has about 50 lines memorized. Plus, it is Preston's last year for the Christmas play since he moves up to Youth next year. Not only will this be Nolan's first time to even willingly (emphasis on "willingly") participate in the Christmas program at church, he will be singing a sweet, sweet solo intro to one of the songs. Even Liam will be a singing sheep this year. I'm really looking forward to seeing them all on stage along with their friends.
December 12 is the Blair Boy Choir Christmas concert. A beautiful event not to be missed!
They have been working on these programs since August. I would absolutely hate to miss them. Those two days are the ONLY days I wouldn't want to be traveling.
So here are my worries:
~ How can I stand another Christmas without our little girl -- especially now that we know who she is, have held her in our arms, and promised her we'll be back for her as soon as possible?
~ If there is a conflict with the Christmas programs, should we travel without the boys?
~ If we leave the boys home, who will get them where they need to be and in the right outfits? I'm sure our friends would gladly help out, but that's a lot to ask with four children when most our friends have several kids of their own to get ready.
~ Should we leave the boys home anyway because Novokuznetsk in December is likely to be -20 degrees with tons of snow?
~ Should we take them no matter what because that is what we have ALWAYS planned to do? We want them to experience their sister's birth country first hand. It is impossible to fully grasp solely through photographs and stories.
~ If we take them, how can I pack "light" for seven people who will all need ski parkas, long underwear, and snow boots?
~ What if my SIL can't travel with us because December is cold and flu season and she is a doctor.
~ What if none of my nieces or nephew can travel with us because they are either in their Senior year of high school or in college and can't miss 10 days of classes?
~ Who will watch our boys while we're in court? Anyone out there have a passport and willing to travel to Siberia in December?
~ If we travel without the boys, how do we handle their disappointment (especially the two oldest.) They have been anticipating this trip almost as much as we have for the past 18 months.
~ Should we save the extra money it will cost to take them with us to Russia and then take a super nice family vacation after we get back and take ALL our kids?
~ Who would take care of all four of our boys (not to mention the 2 dogs and 5 cats) at our home for nearly two weeks?
~ What if we are traveling over Christmas day? There's no way I'm leaving my guys at Christmas.
~ What if I am worrying about all this for nothing and we don't even get a court date before the end of the year? Ugh!
Sorry for the pity party. It helps just putting it out there and getting it off my chest.
I recently read a devotional written by Joyce Myers that said trust requires us to accept that some questions will be unanswered and to place our times in God's hands-believing that even though we do not know all the answers, He does. He has a perfect timing for all things in our lives. We all desire and believe for good things to happen in our lives, NOW not later! Trusting God often requires not knowing how God is going to accomplish what needs to be done and not knowing when He will do it. We always say, “God is never late,” but He is generally not early either. Why? Because He uses those opportunities to stretch our faith in Him, and we grow during times of waiting. Trust is not inherited; it is learned! We learn to trust God by going through various experiences that require trust. By seeing God's faithfulness over and over, we let go of trusting ourselves, and gradually we enter God's rest and place our trust in Him. I am trying, but sometimes it is not as easy as I want it to be.
With that in mind, it is easy to see how timing plays an important part in learning to trust God. If He did everything we asked for immediately, we would never grow and develop. Timing and trust work side by side. Likewise, "Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is earned."
Martin asked me the other day. "You haven't been praying for patience lately have you?"