Not Me! Monday

If you need a good laugh today, head on over to MckMama's blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

As for me, I have not had the opportunity to retrieve the following items from our toilet:

• Garrett's shoe
• A Farm Animal Book
• A Train Book
• A Juice Box
• A Rubber Ducky
• A pair of socks
• and who knows what else!

When made aware of the possibility of said items in the toilet, my first question would not have been "Was the water clean?" That couldn't have been me because I have already learned my lesson about Lexi's fascination with toilet water and as the perfect mom that I am, I would have taken precautions to keep such a thing from happening again. Plus, my boys ALWAYS remember to keep the bathroom door closed. And, most certainly, they would NEVER forget to flush.

I did not enlist the entire family's help in trying to locate one of Lexi's shoes on Sunday morning - the one that would match so cute with her sweater. I did not say "No one is going anywhere until we find that shoe!" We did not spend 15 minutes searching until we were almost late for church when heaven knows her pink tennis shoes were just fine.

I did not come home from church and discover that our toilet was not only clogged, but nasty water had flooded the floor.

Martin and I did NOT look at each other and simultaneously say, "She wouldn't have!" [The aforementioned shoe was still missing.]

Martin did not have to go get his plumbers snake tool thingy. I did NOT get my camera out and start taking photos which you will never see because he said he did NOT want that image to end up on the Internet. [But he didn't say I couldn't talk about it. ;0)]

On a rainy Saturday afternoon while all the boys were occupied and Lexi was sleeping, I did not think I could make a quick trip to Belk's to find Lexi a cute little dress for church, wait, no, did I say that? I meant I did not try to make a quick trip the grocery store to buy food to cook for dinner that night. Nope, not me. Of course not, that would imply that our meals hadn't been planned out a week ahead. And anyone who knows me, knows that I am the type to stay home until the mountains of waiting laundry had all been folded and put away. [NOT]

I did not think I could get away with wearing Crocks and socks because it was a quick little trip and no one would see me anyway. Now how silly that would have been of me. I know we live in a small town where going unnoticed is impossible.

I did not end up crashing my vehicle into the maniac who cut right in front of me. I was not then standing out in the pouring rain that was turning into sleet and snow with Crocks on my feet and only my TN Titans Hoodie for cover. [Good 'ole Hoodie] My toes were not frozen or anything. My jeans were not wet from my ankles to my knees.

I did not call my husband to tell him that I'd been in a wreck and would need a tow truck and then forget to call him back to let him know everything was okay and that my mom was on her way to assist me. He did not have call my best friend to come over on a moment's notice to watch the kids while he came to my rescue. He did not leave the house in such a hurry that he forgot his wallet. I didn't think the least I could do for his heroic efforts was buy him a Cherry Coke.

I was not a soggy and frozen (but thankfully uninjured) mess when the State Trooper finally left. I did not then park my poor crippled car and ride with my mom to Belk's to find Lexi a cute little dress (or two or three) for church, errr, I mean to the store to buy groceries. I mean who needs retail therapy after something like that? Not me, that's for sure. After all that, I wouldn't have accidentally left those cute little dresses in the back of my mom's car either.

I was sooooooooooo not thankful that none of the kids were in the car with me. A very rare event indeed!

I have not spent most of my Monday on the phone with insurance adjusters and rental car companies. My boys are not so spoiled that they groaned when they heard the rental van doesn't come with a DVD player. Really, what kind of mom would use a DVD player in the car to keep five rowdy children totally quiet and entertained with Space Buddies? It never crossed my mind how Preston and Garrett are going to watch their DVD Latin Lessons or what about Nolan's Fraction and Decimals DVD and Lexi's Signing Times DVDs. Oh no, we are NOT going to be forced to home school at HOME are we?

To end on a much funnier note [to me anyway], I did not have to take a closer look before answering the following question yesterday:

"Is that poo or a sausage link?"

P.S. I was not extremely excited to find a cute little shoe laying the middle of our dining room floor this morning. Of course, it was NOT in plain sight!